i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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