so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
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so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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