I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
