woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
