Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
