A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
