I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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