nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
