My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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