haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
