Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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