Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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