The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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