I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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