grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
