I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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