Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
