I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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