I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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