On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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