tonight lets celebrate not being married
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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