He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
