Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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