Pappa wants mamma naked
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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