While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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