awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Damn victory sex feels great
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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