exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
