Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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