you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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