Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
