Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
