dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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