Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
