Please, let me fuck your mom
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
