a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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