You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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