My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
