Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
