Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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