According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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