3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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