Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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