i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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