I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
