Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
