My entire life is one complicated drinking game
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
