wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
a search helicopter?!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just want to make out with him forever
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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