if i can run in heels then i can drive
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
