please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
