The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
