no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
