I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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