if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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