I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
