You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
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I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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