i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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