grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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