sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This is the high leading the old right now
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
