If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
