My balls are so social today.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
